Since I began my journey of self-discovery and self-love, I have read a LOT of books on personal development. Okay, I guess your definition of “a LOT” can differ from person to person, but it’s been about 10 books or so in the last four months. To me, that’s a significant amount.
Anyways, after reading the stories of so many people and the unique ways that they inspire all of those who pick up a copy of their book, I’ve noticed something very interesting. It starts a little something like this. They start off by telling you their origin story. They tell you their struggles, what they overcame, or as I like to call it the “before”. Before they became successful. Before they had this groundbreaking epiphany that changed their life. The beginning of their transformational journey. And then….they tell you about the end. They tell you how successful they are now and how they are running seven figure businesses with the love of their lives. They tell you the “after”. After they became successful. They encourage you to keep going, that one day you’ll get there too.
But no one tells you about the middle. And if they do, it’s fleeting and so discredited. They don’t tell you how hard it is. All of the inner battles that you have with yourself. All of the moments of self-doubt that make you question every choice you ever made. They don’t tell you about all the times you tell yourself to just quit now.
So I had my beginning. I had my before. I told you a little about it earlier in another blog post.
Now I’m in the middle so I wanted to tell you all about it. Maybe this isn’t why people talk about it as much, but damn this is the part that I want to know. I want to know how they went from the before to the after. Yes, I’m sure you worked very very very very hard. I’m sure you overcame so many more obstacles. But what were they? How did you do it?
I’m here to be so transparent and honest about my journey, so when I one day get to my after, I’ll be able to recount every single thing that got me there.
So here it is.
For the last two weeks, I have been doubting everything that I had known to be true. I doubted whether I made the right choice. The right investments. I doubted if I was even capable of doing this. Starting my own business. The inner critic that sits on my shoulder just told me that this was yet again another interest that I was passionate about for 2.5 seconds and then quickly abandoned. It kept telling me who was I kidding. To the point that I isolated myself. You can tell when I feel this way because I disappear off of social media. Not because I want to, but because I can’t get myself to smile and lie to you. That’s not me. I don’t want you to ever think that my life is perfect because it’s not. Not even close. I will try to be more transparent with you all in that sense and allow you to see that side of my life too. But sometimes you just have to do what’s best for you, you know?
It felt like I was in a glass cage and the button to get me out was just on the other side. I could see it. But I couldn’t do anything about it.
You see something that happens when you are on this journey of self-discovery and self-love and being mindful of your thoughts, how they enter your brain, what is reinforcing them, and you even know how to eradicate them is that you become hyper self-aware of all of your issues. You even develop the tools you thought you needed to put an end to them.
That’s why I said I felt as though I was in a glass cage. Because I could see my solution. It was right there. I had the tools. But I couldn’t get to that button.
All it did was fuel my self-doubt even more. It was a vicious cycle. I would get upset with myself because I would tell myself that I COULD get out of feeling this way, but then I couldn’t.
I think that’s the thing about anxiety and depression. It’s as though I feel myself swimming to the surface and right as I’m about to get that breath of fresh air, it pulls me back down and tells me to try again tomorrow.
So I did. I tried again.
And one day. It wasn’t so hard. I felt my inspiration and motivation coming back to me. I felt the self-doubt start to dissipate a bit. And that’s what led to this post. This is my breaking free.
I say all of this because if there is something that I know is that my middle is going to be filled with tons of these moments. This time lasted for two weeks. Maybe next time will be a little shorter or a little longer.
I just have to keep trying and know, even when I feel like I don’t know anything, that this too shall pass.
I say this often because it’s another thing that I’ve learned to be true about myself. I need to feel what I need to feel and not feel shame, guilt, doubt, over those feelings. They’re just part of my journey and to me, they were telling me something.
I was hearing slow down, enjoy this, because I won’t be in the middle forever.